“How to Survive a Flood”

September is Suicide Prevention Month and even if not many people read this, I do hope someone that is struggling finds even a shred of comfort in my message…

The way I see it, suicide is not a conclusion you come to in one day. No, it is years of feeling like the walls are too closed. The voices too loud. And feeling too alone for too long. It is a combination of everything happening at once and without anything to hold on to. So I don’t blame you for feeling like there’s no way out. But, if I could gift you with one thing, it would be the ability to see just how strong you are. We sometimes talk about strength like it has to do with breaking a record or climbing a mountain, or surviving a flood. And, if I could give you this gift, you would see all the times your strength meant more than any of these things stitched together.

Thank You Claire Wineland

Claire Wineland was an activist and a public speaker living with cystic fibrosis. She often made YouTube videos about her life with CF. She inspired people all over the world and talked about the intricacies of life and death. She was amazingly fearless and had enough spirit to fill up a building. She passed away after a lung transplant after suffering a massive stroke. If you don’t know who she was, here is one of my favorite talks from her. I thought I should share what she meant to me since she inspired me so much. Rest in Peace Claire.

In this heartbreaking moment, it has been one day since I found out Claire Wineland has passed, and I don’t know how to feel. Or I think I do. I feel like I am stapling all my feelings of sorrow and shock and confusion to my spine and one wrong move, just one, and I can promise the universe I’ll collapse.

Fragment 55: Fishbowl

It always begins with a simple idea: What if the next words to come out of my mouth were to flow with ease?

What if I weren’t pouring clumsy thoughts everywhere?

What if, for a second, I carried myself like the rest of the girls?

Because the rest of the girls know exactly what comes next. They know when to lean in for a hug, or when a handshake is more appropriate. They don’t over analyze dialogues and stay up until 4 in the morning worrying about the little things. Their hands don’t tremble before posting pictures, and even if they did, what do hands know anyway when mirrors speak all the right words?

They know how many pictures to take and when to laugh. Not too much, but just an adequate amount that the joke is still funny. Unlike me. Who feels like too much joke, and not enough woman.

I admire the girls that mold this world into a welcome mat. I live my life within a fishbowl. Always wondering who’s looking over my shoulder.

Who’s tapping on the glass.

There never seems to be a place to hide.